The Drama Triangle is a model of dysfunctional interaction first introduced in the 1960s by Stephen Karpman, a psychiatrist. He observed that in many different situations, many dysfunctional relationships display a recurring pattern of three roles: victim, persecutor, and rescuer. The victim feels powerless to change their situation, the persecutor blames others for their problems and the rescuer tries to fix the problems of others instead of focusing on themselves. Karpman believed that these roles were a way for individuals to avoid taking responsibility for their own feelings and actions and leads to destructive behaviours and unhealthy relationships. The Drama Triangle is widely recognised and often used in therapy to help individuals recognise and break free from dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. In this blog post, we will discuss The Drama Triangle and its impact on addiction recovery, as well as provide actionable tips for escaping this dysfunctional dynamic using what I have termed as The Recovery Triangle.
The disease of addiction is often referred to as a family illness because it really does impact the entire family as a whole and each family member, individually. The Drama Triangle highlights how addiction really is a family illness and accurately represents how impossible it is for family members to separate themselves from the dysfunctional dynamics surrounding the addict. This is because of the different roles we tend to fall into and the way that these dysfunctional dynamics suck us in. As I run through the three different roles that we move between, see if you can relate to them and explore the potential roles that you see yourself falling into, at different times.
When we think of families where there is addiction, other mental health issues, and even physical health issues, one particular dynamic tends to dominate the system and this is a dysfunctional family dynamic. In regards to addiction, this dysfunctional and dominating dynamic is referred to as The Drama Triangle. Understanding this model is important in creating a happy family dynamic. Today I will spend some time unpacking what The Drama Triangle means, how it plays out, and what the dynamics are. I will discuss how this concept is something that we can potentially learn about and as we learn about it, we're able to be empowered and shift the way in which we show up in our relationships.
I am going to be referring to two diagrams. The first diagram is called The Drama Triangle and it has three specific roles that you'll see outlined. First, we have the victim, then we have the persecutor and lastly, we have the rescuer. These are three defined roles that make up the dynamics between the different members of a family. These roles exist within and perpetuate toxic relationship dynamics. Each of these roles is not exclusive to any one person in the family, rather we all inhabit all of these roles at various stages. We shift between them and ‘wear different hats,’ at different times. While we all bounce between these roles at different times, we choose one of these roles as a preference. This preference dominates the way we behave and interact most of the time and I will give some examples.
If you can recognise these in yourself and your own family, I think it is wonderful that you are able to see that this is a pattern of behaviour in your life and your space. Co-dependency is never really about one particular relationship, rather it is about the relationship I have with myself. Today, as I'm unpacking these different ideas, don't just think of them specifically in relation to your current situation, rather think of these concepts more broadly and in relation to relationships throughout your life. These dynamics are not exclusive to family environments and intimate relationships, they can also sometimes play out in work environments and this can be very destructive. I am going to go through all three of these different roles, as well as give an overall sense of The Drama Triangle and the styles of communication that take place when we are in an unhealthy space.
Diagram One: The Drama Triangle
When we look at the diagram, in the middle of the triangle you can see some squiggly lines. This is what I've done to represent the way we communicate. In these families, communication is not open and it is not honest. There is a lot of manipulation, a lot of deceit, a lot of secrets, and an overall sense of dishonesty. A lot of family members who live in this space are hypervigilant. There is a constant sense of walking on eggshells and really, one of the main themes when there is co-dependency within the space of a family, is this feeling of waiting. There is just this feeling of always waiting for the addict to get into recovery or waiting for someone to change their behaviour or even waiting for another relapse or blow up. There is very much a sense of being a victim (which I will elaborate on soon). There is this sense of being a victim and feeling disempowered, just waiting for other people to change.
The victim feels a sense of powerlessness. They tend to believe that things happen to them, blame others for their problems and have a lack of motivation to change. When there is addiction, it is primarily waiting on the addict to get into recovery. We walk on eggshells because we're afraid of the addict being aggressive or passive-aggressive and we cannot predict how they are going to interact or react with us. We find that we also adapt our behaviour. We wait to see if something we might have said that they don't like, causes them to relapse and then that causes us to feel extremely concerned. So, we start with the victim. Primarily in families where there is addiction, it would be the person who is the addict who would primarily inhabit the victim role.
As you can see, I have broken this down into feelings as well as behaviours. The feelings of a victim in any situation, and primarily here with an addict, include a feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, fear, feeling stuck, and a real sense of despair, that nothing is going to change and everything is just all bad. A lot of the behaviour of the addict will display as avoidant behaviour.
Avoidant behaviours include:
· Not being willing to talk
· Displays of aggression/outbursts
· Passive-aggressive behaviour
· Staying away from the house a lot of the time
· A lot of self-destructive use and medicating themselves, to cope with these feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Next, we have the rescuer. The rescuer is a role that a lot of people who are family members of addicts, identify with. They feel that they're doing something right and that this is a good thing and a positive role to play. Again, we will speak about the feelings and behaviours associated with this role. Very often, what happens is that the rescuer has such a great feeling of guilt about the situation they are facing, that they're not able to set boundaries and communicate their needs and wants. They are constantly feeling sorry for and bad about the way that they are behaving and the situation that they are in, that they overcompensate through their behaviour. They feel obliged to say yes and very much struggle to say no. There is A LOT of people-pleasing that takes place. Often, this is one of the ways that my clients identify with the rescuer. They resonate with this feeling of people-pleasing and not being able to say no, for fear of upsetting the other person.
We give power and control over to the other person in this way, because we are afraid that if we upset them, something bad will happen. There is very little if any, acknowledgement of self. The primary feeling here is guilt. When we feel guilty, it is an indication that we are not in a relationship with very clear communication because we feel bad to express our needs and wants. I will give examples below of how this plays out. The rescuer is a very destructive role in this pattern. Even though a lot of my clients often think that it is a good role and that they are doing something positive by helping the addict. Rescuers jump into scenarios where they give money, come and fetch the addict when they are distressed, and they pretty much prevent the addict from feeling the consequences of their addiction, which prolongs the addictive behaviour.
Sometimes this is hard for my clients to hear. What is very important to understand is that for me to be a rescuer, there has to be a victim, I need a victim. To maintain our preferred roles, I will keep the addict (my loved one) in a very negative space. I will not be encouraging growth or doing what I can to help them be independent, because I have this need to be needed and I want to continue rescuing them. The fact that they need me to rescue them, validates my role in the space of the relationship. So, this role is actually incredibly destructive and this is where we speak about enabling, as opposed to supporting.
Lastly in The Drama Triangle, we have the persecutor. This role is dominated by feelings of anger, frustration, and resentment. One of the behaviours displayed by a persecutor is that the person feels as though it is important to punish the addict. They believe that if they shout, scream, and impose enough negative consequences and damage on the addict, then they will eventually achieve the result they want. The persecutor believes that enough punishment and negative reinforcement will result in their desired outcome.
What is important to understand about the persecutor and the rescuer is that they are both manipulative ways and roles that people use and step into, to feel better about themselves. Let’s explore all three of these roles a bit deeper and see if exploring these ideas, gives us meaningful insight into thoughts, feelings, roles, and behaviours within our lives.
Addicts will often use the victim role to manipulate others, to achieve their desired outcome. This could be money for drugs, a lift where they need to go, or using a manipulative approach, to help them escape/avoid being punished for their behaviour. Victims look for people to blame and have no ability to cope when they are forced to face the natural consequences of their addiction. Victims blame others for why they act out or behave in a certain way. They take no accountability or responsibility for their own actions and blame others. Addicts will, for instance, blame their parents for something bad that happens to them because their parents refuse to give them money. They might blame their parents for the fact that they had a fight which caused them to feel upset and to use. There is very little responsibility taken on the part of the victim and therefore the addict.
In terms of the persecutor, they feel that they need to punish the addict to get him/her to stop using. These individuals feel incredibly desperate. Unfortunately, the role and the behaviour of the persecutor actually fuels the addict’s feelings of being the victim and this means the persecutor becomes an easy target for the addict to blame. “You shouted at me. You made me feel really bad. It's your fault.” The persecutor’s behaviour is very self-motivated by the need to release pent-up anxiety, fears, and anger. This behaviour gives them a false sense of being in control and makes them feel as though the poor/scary situation is being addressed.
In terms of the rescuer, a rescuer takes responsibility for helping the addict but does so by getting rid of any consequences the addict might face for his/her actions. In essence, this sends a message to the addict that the rescuer in question does not truly believe that the addict can take care of him/herself. The rescuer feels good about helping and in doing so, they are actually serving his/her own needs and being selfish at the expense of actually helping the addict. It is not really about the person that they think they are helping; they just do what they do, because it makes them feel good. Ultimately, the rescuer prolongs the addiction because of their very big feelings and fears about not being liked.
We can see how these roles are interchangeable and very unhelpful. Let me give some examples that highlight this even further. In a scenario, where the child is the addict, the father is the persecutor, and the mother is the rescuer, it creates a sense of splitting. This is a concept that is very damaging within relationships, where there is a lack of direct and clear communication. The child will, for instance, go to the mother, borrow money, and ask her not to tell their father. We start keeping secrets. There is a break of trust in all aspects of the relationship. The more the mother helps and ‘rescues’ the child, the more desperate the father feels to set consequences and this only reinforces his role, as the persecutor.
However, these roles are interchangeable. Let’s look at another example. Here, the daughter in the family arrives home and hears her parents fighting with the brother, who is the addict. The brother is shouting and screaming at the parents because they refuse to give him money. When she arrives home, she is so angry with her brother that she confronts him about the way he treats their parents. In this situation, when the brother/son was shouting and screaming, he was being the persecutor. The parents in that situation were being the victim and the daughter was stepping into the role of the rescuer.
Within minutes of her stepping into that space, very quickly the dynamics changed. The parents became angry with her and started shouting at her and she very quickly went from being the rescuer to coming under attack and becoming the victim. The parents went from a space of being the victim to becoming the persecutors and the brother/son went from a space of being the persecutor, back to being the victim. So, these dynamics change constantly. As the fight evolves and moves, we find ourselves moving from one role to another. These roles are not rigid and fixed but as I say, we tend to have one role that we gravitate towards a lot more easily.
We are going to move now, onto what I have named ‘The Recovery Triangle.’ We are going to look at how we can move from a space of being in an unhealthy dynamic, to another space where communication can become very healthy. It is a way to break out of The Drama Triangle. It is very important to understand that we do not have to wait on anyone else to change their behaviour. Instead, I as an individual in this dynamic, can immediately recognise my roles and in doing so, I become empowered to change the way that I show up. If I recognise that I am a rescuer, I can start practicing being a real supporter instead. It is important to realise that you do not have to wait for the addict in your life to stop using, you can immediately learn to respond differently to the dynamic that is at play. When you do this, it will automatically change this autopilot mode or this unconscious pattern of communication that exists in the family.
Diagram Two: The Recovery Triangle
When we look at the diagram, we see that the victim has become the survivor, the rescuer has become the supporter and the persecutor has become the limiter. In this dynamic, there are straight, clear communication lines in the middle of the triangle. This illustrates that communication is open, honest, and clear. I know where I stand. Honesty is a priority and a value within the space of the family. There is a sense of safety around communicating, we are no longer walking on eggshells, and everyone in the space feels empowered. We might still feel concerned about the way that we share our thoughts and feelings, but we have the ability and feel empowered to do so.
Let’s look at the different feelings and behaviours that come up here. A survivor represents the addict moving into a space of recovery. For a survivor, there are feelings of empowerment, a sense of relief, and a sense of safety.
A survivor is:
Someone who communicates with others
Someone who pursues interests
Someone who has hobbies
Someone who has healthy relationships
Different feelings drive and motivate the supporter. These are feelings of openness, authenticity, and a sense of being both present and willing to communicate.
A supporter is:
Someone who will say yes, but can say no
Someone who helps other people become independent
Someone who no longer needs to create dependence and to feel needed
Supporters can really help other people learn how to be independent. This does not mean disconnected from them, it just means encouraging people to be independent.
A limiter represents the persecutor moving into a healthier space. A limiter often feels a sense of care, clarity, and safety that comes because of an understanding of what the boundaries and rules of engagement are.
A limiter is:
· Someone that can set clear boundaries with family members
· Someone that can say yes and can also say no
· Someone who prioritises honesty
· Someone who no longer needs to punish the addict or feel frustration and resentment but can rather, connect and communicate freely (this allows honest boundaries to be set)
Survivors are honest and no longer manipulate other people to achieve their desired outcome. Survivors take responsibility for their behaviour. They get support when they feel that they need it and can face the natural consequences of their addiction and their actions. Survivors no longer blame other people for their problems or their acting-out behaviour.
The limiter is someone that can set clear and healthy boundaries and by setting boundaries, the limiter shows that he/she respects the addict’s ability to make decisions and be responsible for his/her own behaviour. The limiter effectively addresses the problem at hand and is someone who can get support for his/her own emotions. The focus is no longer on just simply fixing the addict, there is a recognition that I, too, need support at times.
The supporter is someone that allows the addict to learn how to take responsibility for him/herself. This empowers the addict and allows them to build trust in the space of the relationship. A supporter will feel positive about effectively helping, when necessary, not overstepping boundaries and enforcing or insisting on helping. Supporters no longer prolong the addiction and they can become real allies to their loved ones during the recovery journey. Supports can be allies as opposed to a hindrance.
This is very important because we understand that family members are just desperate to help their loved one and unfortunately, in getting caught up in the drama, we end up perpetuating the problem. When the rescuer constantly enables the addict to avoid consequences, they prolong the addiction. This is because we understand that for an addict to stop using or acting in a self-destructive way, the consequences need to be bad enough and if there are no consequences, then unfortunately the chances that the addict will change their behaviour are slim to none.
The Drama Triangle describes three different roles that people assume within dysfunctional relationships. The goal is to move from the victim to the survivor, from the persecutor to the limiter, and from the rescuer to the supporter. Understanding these roles and how we fall into dysfunctional patterns of behaviour is the most crucial step in changing these unhealthy relationship dynamics. If you feel as though you can identify with the roles outlined in The Drama Triangle, please reach out for help. If you know someone who could benefit from this information, please share it. Counselling can help people explore these roles and shift these patterns of behaviour, to create healthier dynamics in their relationships.