In part 3 of this co-dependency post, we will be looking at the continuum of dependence which is a spectrum upon which different types of relationships exist. After looking at how these different relationships function as individuals and as a unit, I will highlight some important ways that individuals can overcome their issues with co-dependency and create healthy relationships with the people in their lives. If you have yet to read part 1and part 2 of this co-dependency blog and want a better understanding of the behaviours and misconceptions surrounding co-dependency, go have a read!
What is the Continuum of Dependence?
As you can see in the diagram below, this is a physical representation of what co-dependency looks like. At a glance, it is very easy to see where we get stuck, something that I will unpack very shortly. We all exist in terms of relationships, on a continuum of dependence. This continuum highlights the different relationship styles we develop in our lives. On the one extreme exists someone who is independent and on the other extreme someone who is co-dependent. In the middle, in an ideal space, we have interdependent relationships. Getting stuck on either end of this continuum is difficult and unhealthy. For example, someone who is completely independent and isolated, doesn’t really engage with other individuals and lives a quiet, hermit-like lifestyle has no opportunity for growth and development because there is no interaction or feedback. Someone who lives in this space gets very stuck and very isolated.
The other extreme is in a co-dependent space where an individual is stuck in a bubble and all the attention is focused inwards. This side of the extreme can be just as isolating, as it becomes just about the relationship and the person I am in the relationship with (be it a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend or a partner). The other person becomes my entire world, all other interests, hobbies and other relationships fade away and I stop engaging with the world around me. Either end of the continuum is unhealthy and in an ideal space, we have an interdependent dynamic where there are two individuals who have the opportunity to overlap.
In terms of the colours used, we have two individuals on the left a red and a white, in the middle we still have the two individuals in red and white and the point of contact and overlap is pink. The more interaction and time they spend together, the bigger the pink circle will be, but there will always be some red and some white maintained as their sense of independence remains. In a co-dependent space there is no red there is no white. The entire relationship and the existence of both individuals revolves around being pink. A lot of what happens is that in co-dependent relationships there is an unconscious, irrational belief that without this relationship I will die and due to the fact that there is this belief, it very much dominates a lot of the behaviour. As a co-dependent individual I may find myself tolerating behaviours that I normally would not tolerate. I tolerate them because I am terrified of losing the relationship because I believe that there would be nothing left of me without the relationship because I need to be pink.
Where Does Co-dependency Originate?
Co-dependency can be caused by a number of things but most often, co-dependent relationships stem from childhood. When I work with people who exist in co-dependent relationships, we very often find that we are able to trace this type of behaviour back throughout their lives. From being a young child at school, to a teenager and right into adulthood. There has always been one particular friend or person who they are focussed on, either a sibling, parent or even a friend. This particular person takes all of the individual’s focus and is the basis for their sense of security and attachment. As one in the relationship begins to move away, the individual quickly replaces the other. With intimate relationships you might find that you or people you know are always in an intimate relationship and they do not spend any time alone. They constantly go from one relationship to another because they need to be pink.
Can Co-dependent Relationships Succeed?
What is interesting is that often people will ask me, can you have someone who isn’t co-dependent in a relationship with someone who is? My answer is very quickly NO because someone who is desperately needing to be pink all the time will come across as needy to someone who does not. When someone has a sense of self, they feel suffocated and don’t really enjoy the dynamic that the co-dependent person brings. The co-dependent person finds the other individual to be too distant and independent and these are things they do not like. However, when you get two people that are co-dependent, they fit together like a hand and a glove and there is a sense of immediate connection, identification and instant overattachment to the fantasy of who this individual is. There is this immediate relief that they can be pink with someone else.
What I must say about co-dependent relationships is that as the relationship develops, whatever that shade of pink is, that is the shade of pink that will remain. Co-dependency always has to be that shade of pink. If I am red and I start to inject more of my opinion and begin to challenge the status quo, the other person will begin to behave in a very destructive and manipulative way in order to get me to back down. This is so that the shade of pink can settle back to the original shade.
There are very many unspoken rules in the space of co-dependent relationships and anything outside of the relationship is a threat. Work, hobbies, friends, family relationships, anything to do with the individual that existed before the relationship or that exists outside of the relationship is not tolerated. This is understood and as a result, the individual begins to disengage from all of these things and these relationships slowly but surely, until they are entirely preoccupied with and focussed on the individual in front of them. It begins with one or two sentences or thoughts like, “It doesn’t matter, it's only this one time” and before I know it, I have lost contact with all of the people that I care about. The same is true for both partners and they hold each other to this same isolating standard. Generally, the hobbies they do engage in would be exclusively those they do together because the focus is entirely inward. Toxic relationships negatively impact people’s abilities to set life goals and cause damage to those in the relationships and around them.
How Do We Move Out of a Co-dependent Space?
There are identified steps people can take, to stop being co-dependent. In relations to the diagram above, I have drawn the heart in a box because very often in co-dependent spaces we disconnect from our emotions, we live in our heads and constantly feel threatened. As a result, we are constantly thinking about what we have to do in order to feel safe and keep the individual the same shade of pink. There is complete neglect and abandonment of oneself. When we come to a space of realising this, a lot of the work I do with my clients initially, is the big long blue arrow at the bottom. In order to balance out a scale where there is an incredible amount of weight on the one side, we first need to put more weight on the other side and take some of the weight off of the original side. So, we stop focusing on the relationship and put primary focus on who am I as an individual, in terms of red and white. In that space, I start exploring things like what are my hopes, my dreams, my likes, my favourite colour, my favourite movie, my favourite song? Very little focus throughout my life has been spent on getting to know myself and so this is a very slow and steady opportunity to be really curious about what I like and what I dislike.
Very often I encourage my clients to reverse engineer this process, where often it is easier to know what we don’t like and from that we can work backwards and figure out what we do like. As I gain a greater sense of self, there is an opportunity to start exploring my emotions. I start to understand how I feel in the space of the relationship that I am in. I begin to understand my insecurities and I start being able to talk about a variety of emotions concerning all relationships from childhood. This really gives people a better sense of who they are and what they need. I encourage my clients at this point to start looking for hobbies and interests as an individual. Looking at things they love to do but have stopped doing, for example going for walks on the beach, reading, reengaging with old hobbies, interests and friends and simultaneously encouraging the other individual in the relationship to do the same.
When we have a better sense of self, then we bring that into relationships in an interdependent way, where I am able to hold onto my own identity and engage with people in a healthy way. Obviously, it is not as straightforward as any other addiction, such as substances, where we can say one needs to be abstinent. This is about relationships so, what we strive to do here is just keep the focus on ourselves for as long as we are able. We try to recognise where we are neglecting ourselves, where we are people-pleasing and what are some of the behaviours that are causing me to feel out of integrity. Integrity is a very important measure at this stage, where integrity is very much about what I say and what I do match up. So, if I am saying that I really do not want to do something, but I am continually saying yes to a person, then it reflects that I am currently out of integrity. I can still choose to do it, but it helps me become aware of the fact that I was unable to say no, and this allows me to question why that is.
What we try and do in the first arrow is gain a better sense of self, being able to observe myself and watch myself as I re engage with other people which is the shorter arrow. As I start reengaging in an interdependent way, I start being able to be curious about how, without judgement hopefully, I am showing up and behaving with other individuals. If I notice any behaviours that I am unhappy with or that I feel is not helping me, I am in a position to then slow down, reflect on what is going on, bring the focus off the other person and back to myself. If I notice quite quickly that I am feeling too threatened or vulnerable in the space of the relationship to even begin bringing my opinion in, then very often it is important that the individual end the relationship immediately.
Can Co-dependent Relationships Become Healthy?
People wonder whether or not a co-dependent relationship can be saved. My clients ask, “Is it possible for co-dependent relationships to survive and be healthy?” My answer is always without a doubt YES. As long as both individuals are willing to do the work and gain a sense of independence, know who they are and then be able to support each other in doing whatever is necessary to live as two healthy individuals and have an overlap, as opposed to needing the relationship to survive. It very much moves from a space of needing the relationship in order to feel safe and survive, to wanting this person in my life because they are adding benefit and value, as opposed to the irrational fear that I will die without them.
What Tools Can Strengthen A Person’s Relationship with Themselves?
Some tools that can help strengthen one’s relationship with oneself can be:
Meditating
Spending time alone doing activities that are nourishing
Journaling
Exploring different questions and ideas
Spending time with friends and family away from the other individual
Creating space to develop both these relationships and possibly new friendships too
Spending time with friends and family outside of the relationship
Attending workshops of interest
Reading things that interest you
Attending talks
Going to religious or spiritual activities if that is important to you
Engaging in individual therapy
Spending time in nature
Attending educational groups
Setting goals about where you see yourself as an individual in the next month or 6 months or a year
Engaging in support groups if it is something you are open to which I highly recommend
Engaging with a life coach, a health coach and/or a relationship coach
Seeking individual therapy and in some cases couple’s counselling
What Is the End Result?
As with all addictive behaviours, I have seen much success and growth in those that are willing to dive into exploring their behaviour in relationships, as they embark on a journey of recovery. You too can experience this freedom. Untangling from co-dependent relationships allows individuals to fully experience the joy of authentic connection with themselves and others. If any of this resonates with you, please reach out and if you know anyone that may benefit from this information, please share. Counselling can help heal feelings and behaviours that cause us pain and hold us back. Therapy can help create very real, positive, meaningful and sustainable change in your life and you deserve to be your best.
Take care of you,
Toni
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