Co-dependency is often a concept that is misunderstood. People struggle to identify this type of behaviour in their own lives and there are tons of misconceptions surrounding co-dependent relationships. In part 1 I outlined what co-dependency is and some common behaviours associated with it. In this post I will unpack some of the key characteristics associated with co-dependent behaviour, as a way of identifying it within your own relationships. I will also unravel the interesting misconceptions that people have about co-dependent and healthy relationships. So, let’s dive right in.
Is Co-dependency a Problem?
Co-dependency is one of many behavioural addictions that needs to be taken seriously. Co-dependency is a primary focus and as an addictive behaviour it needs to be seen as having three main characteristics: primary, progressive and chronic. As a primary addiction, co-dependents need to understand that it is the way they interact with other people, that is the problem and it is not the consequence of other things (like making excuses or blaming circumstances). The fact that co-dependents do not say no is because they do not want to say no. Co-dependency is also progressive; it continues to deteriorate and get worse over time. An example would be the nature of an abusive relationship, it never starts destructively on the first date but slowly people begin to tolerate unhealthy destructive patterns of behaviour or ways of being treated. The first time someone raises their voice we don’t say anything, and we make excuses for the other person’s behaviour until it becomes a normal way of interacting. This continues until there is potential physical or sexual abuse within the relationship.
Co-dependency is also chronic; which means it is lifelong and does not simply exist within the current relationship. This is very important, and I have found that my clients that are open to really exploring co-dependency in a very real way, learn to understand quite quickly that this is something about themselves. They often can see a pattern of this behaviour before the current relationship that they are in and this is unbelievably freeing because they no longer feel as though it is up to the other individual to change, in order to fix this co-dependent pattern. Rather, they realise that, this is something I have brought into the space of the relationship and therefore it is up to me to change it. Being a chronic illness in terms of an addiction, what’s really wonderful is that there is an opportunity to engage in long term recovery using all the support that is around, in order to have a different way of engaging with the world.
What Are the Characteristics of Co-dependency?
Some characteristics of co-dependency are:
It is a pattern of functioning within families
It is always me, in relation to other people
It is usually linked to families where there is addiction, mental illness or physical disability
It includes feelings of walking on eggshells/being overly cautious
It is a form of coping, a survival strategy
It is a learned behaviour
It is a form of an addictive behaviour
Mental Health America outlines some characteristics of co-dependent people and provides a helpful questionnaire to identify signs of co-dependency. There are also helpful tests that help identify co-dependency. A helpful true or false question test to identify co-dependency and worksheets to deal with co-dependency can be found here.
One characteristic is the fact that it is a pattern of functioning within families. It is important to know this because co-dependency is about relationships. It is always about me in relation to other people and if my focus is always about taking care of other people, then this is something that needs to be healed within the space of families and relationships as well. Co-dependency is usually but not exclusively linked to families where addiction is present. Other types of families where one finds this is where there is mental illness or even physical disability and this sees individuals walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around and being very cautious in these environments.
Another characteristic is that co-dependency is a form of coping, a survival strategy where people say they try to avoid ‘rocking the boat’. A form of coping is to quickly learn a behaviour that keeps things in the environment very calm and still. Co-dependency is a learned behaviour and that means that it can be unlearned. It is a form of an addictive behaviour that needs to be treated as such. Seeking help and support needs to come from individual or group processes including co-dependency meetings, CODA or therapists who understand co-dependency and have the necessary counselling skills, in order to offer effective support.
There is often black and white thinking with co-dependent relationships, it is either all good or all bad and we feel very threatened, very quickly. This links to the fact that there is a lot of catastrophising. When a co-dependent individual makes a mistake or does something that the other person will not like, they become panicky and terrified that there is going to be some sort of punishment or fallout. There is definitely a lot of obsessive thinking in co-dependent relationships and there is a preoccupation and obsession with the other person. The co-dependent individual cannot stop thinking about the other person, what they are doing, who they are with, where they are and this feeds into the concepts of jealousy and insecurity. While I am sitting at work instead of working or while I am sitting at university in a lecture, instead of listening I am busy messaging the other person or perhaps I have even left early to go and find them because I am constantly thinking about them. The preoccupation, like any other addiction, consistently gets greater and greater and greater over time.
Initially, the co-dependent behaviour works and so I will be able to make sure that I do not upset my parents and that my people-pleasing behaviour seems to calm everything down. However, later what happens is that it keeps us stuck in a very destructive pattern because I don’t ever untangle from that way of being. As a result, I become a people-pleaser in all my relationships. What is important to understand about co-dependent relationships is that it very much is about power and control (this will be reflected a little later when the diagram is reflected in part 3). All behaviour in these relationships is motivated out of a need to manipulate in order to feel safe. What I mean by that is that I am not going to show up honestly, I am going to people-please and say yes even if I genuinely want to say no. That is the manipulation because I want you to feel calm, in order for me to feel safe.
What Are Some Misconceptions About Co-dependency?
There are a number of misconceptions about co-dependency that I have come across working with my clients. Misconception 1: people believe “I am being nice or helpful and that this is a good thing.” If we can understand co-dependency for what it is, it is taking care of other people at the expense of myself, then fundamentally that cannot be a good thing because it is as the expense of myself and thus, detrimental.
Misconception 2: by doing things for other people I will be respected and liked. This is not necessarily true and sometimes people take you for granted no matter what you do. Other times, people abuse the generosity and end up not respecting a person for the very fact that they always say yes. Sometimes people do not even like the individual but tend to keep them around because they do things for them and so this is just untrue all round. Misconception 3: other people will realise what I want and need without me having to actually express it. This is not true; people do not know what we need or want and very often we have unrealistic expectations and we set people up for failure and when they do fail it reinforces the fact that we feel hard done by.
In the past, some of my clients have said that there are positive qualities associated with being co-dependent but if we understand it to be an addictive process, which progressively gets worse at the expense of myself, again I express that there is NOTHING positive about being co-dependent. While we might say that it is really wonderful that I can be kind, it is wonderful if one can be kind and caring and considerate in an authentic way, but not when it is done from a place of manipulation.
Some people think that being vulnerable and showing their feelings is a bad thing and that would be something that is taught from one’s family of origin. Perhaps I was punished for being upset or reprimanded for getting angry. As a result of never showing my feelings or being vulnerable, I never learn the language that allows me to express these feelings or the tools and coping strategies for dealing with them. Instead I continue to constantly suppress how I feel.
Misconception 4: co-dependents want to help others because they are kind and generous people. Earlier I mentioned how co-dependent behaviours are often a manipulation in order to feel safe. So, I am not necessarily being kind or generous when I say yes in the moment, I am simply fearing your rejection. Thus, the energy with which I agree to things is actually dishonest. There is a lot of passive aggressive behaviour that will be experienced by the other person in these types of relationship dynamics.
Misconception 5: co-dependent people believe, incorrectly so, that asking for help is weak and that they should be able to manage on their own. This very much is one of the main characteristics that people who are co-dependent struggle with the longest and that is being able to ask for help. It is a very liberating and empowering process just to understand that as wonderful as it feels to be able to help other people, it is also wonderful to give them the opportunity to help you. Sometimes the asking for help really can be something as small as emptying the boot of a car or it can be on a much deeper level around emotional support. I would really encourage anyone who struggles to ask for help to start experiencing and experimenting with asking for help with things that are seemingly safe. Begin with things that are on more of a practical level and not yet an emotional level. This could be asking someone to help clear the dinner table or to help prepare for a party, so that not all of the energy and effort is on you alone.
The last misconception I am going to raise about co-dependency which I think is very important is misconception 6: the concept that it is not my fault. Co-dependency is an addictive behaviour and as such the individual needs to take responsibility for how they show up. If I am co-dependent, I will blame circumstances, situations or even people for why I had to show up in that way because ‘my sister doesn’t like it when I say no’ or ‘my husband was in a bad mood’. They might say things like ‘it is not my fault I said yes or that I am this way’ and while it is not about blaming people for the history we have, it very much is about saying I have experienced this in my family in the past or I am currently experiencing this and I recognize that it is a behaviour that needs to change. Once I recognize that this is unhealthy and destructive for me, it does become my fault in a sense if I perpetuate it. There are numerous myths and misconceptions surrounding co-dependency, here are 6 other co-dependency myths that have been debunked by mental health professionals.
What Are Some Misconceptions About Healthy Relationships?
When we speak about healthy relationships and when I encourage my clients to move out of a co-dependent space and into a healthy space, there is often the sense that we have a fantasy or an idea of what healthy relationships would be like. Again, here are some misconceptions about what people think and this is why I think there is often this feeling of hopelessness and unattainability about attaining healthy relationships.
Not only do people have misconceptions about co-dependent relationships but they have misconceptions about healthy relationships too. Misconception 1: people think that in a healthy relationship everything will feel positive and good. Some people think that they will be happy all the time, they won’t feel difficult feelings and that other people will automatically know how they feel. So, what is important to know is that in a healthy relationship, when it is honest, sometimes it can be very difficult conversations that need to be had, or it might be uncomfortable to hear what someone else has to say. It does not necessarily always have to feel positive or good, sometimes it can feel sad, sometimes it might even be difficult and confusing. I won’t necessarily be happy all the time. I don’t think it is possible for anybody to be happy all the time. The opposite of being in a co-dependent space is just being in an authentic, connected space with one’s self and so when we learn to do that, we are connecting to all of our emotions - with happiness simply being one of them. The idea of being in a healthy relationship is that together we can feel all of our feelings and none of them are a threat.
In healthy relationships we don’t expect people to know how we feel but we will openly express and share how we feel. Misconception 2: we believe there is no conflict or disagreement in healthy relationships. The truth is that in healthy relationships, growth happens at the edges of our comfort zone. When there is disagreement, we have an opportunity to debate and negotiate and really explore our ideas and beliefs and potentially change them. When there are two people, there are different opinions. I know in a co-dependent relationship, conflict and disagreement are perceived as a threat but in healthy relationships they are welcomed and invited because they are not a threat to the end of the relationship. It is important to learn conflict resolution skills.
Misconception 3: as I have said before, it is not about one emotion. Healthy relationships should never just be calm or easy, they should be honest and in that, all emotions are welcome. Misconception 4: communication will be easy. Sometimes difficult conversations need to be had and sometimes communication is not necessarily easy on those topics. People also have this idea that relationships will work out and this, unfortunately is not true. When one person moves into a space of wanting to be healthy and the other person is stuck in a very co-dependent dynamic, this unfortunately does not result in the relationship growing and can result in the relationship ending
A final misconception surrounding healthy relationships is misconception 5: if I am happy, then I will make the other person happy. This is not necessarily the case because my happiness is not dependent on other people and their happiness is not dependent on me. I can be happy today but that does not necessarily mean the person I am in a relationship with is going to be happy. It is important to understand what a healthy relationship looks like so that you can learn how to build healthy relationships.
What’s Next?
Co-dependency has many defining characteristics but the most evident is that this dynamic can be traced back to numerous relationships throughout our lives, from childhood through to adulthood. There are tons of misconceptions surrounding both co-dependency and healthy relationships and it is important to be aware of these, in order to create and sustain long-term, meaningful and healthy relationships. If any of this resonates with you, please reach out for help, counselling can dramatically improve the quality of your relationships and the way you feel about your life overall. If you found this interesting, please continue reading part 3 where Iwill discuss the continuum of dependence, as well as provide helpful ways of overcoming co-dependency and forging healthy relationships.
Take care of you,
Toni
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