So, What Exactly is Co-dependency?
Co-dependency is a set of behaviours that acts as a barrier to the pursuit of a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship with another. It can arise in all types of relationships and is not exclusive to romantic relationships or parent-child relationships. Co-dependency is a relationship dynamic where one person is considered ‘the giver’ who sacrifices their own needs and desires for the other, ‘the taker.’ The term co-dependency is often misunderstood, so let’s take a deeper look at what it actually means and how it prevents people from being their best selves and living their best lives. This three-part blog will outline what co-dependency is, some common behaviours associated with it, various characteristics and misconceptions surrounding co-dependency, as well as recommended ways to help overcome co-dependency and foster healthy relationships.
Co-dependency comes up a lot in relationship counselling, family counselling and addiction counselling sessions with my clients. What I have come to understand over the years working with both addicts and their families, is that most people are unaware of or confused by the term codependency. For me, in a nutshell, codependency is taking care of other people, at the expense of myself. It is when I see myself constantly prioritizing the needs and wants of others and neglecting the relationship that I have with myself, to the extent that I do not even consider that I, myself have needs and wants.
Where Does Co-dependency Come From?
The Johnson Institute defines co-dependency as a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviours, learned by family members to survive within a family experiencing great emotional pain and stress. These are behaviours passed on from generation to generation. What I really appreciate in this definition is that it speaks of maladaptive, compulsive behaviours that are learned and as such, these behaviours can in turn be unlearned. Maladaptive highlights the unhealthy and unhelpful nature of these compulsive behaviours. It also highlights how this type of behaviour comes about as a means of trying to survive within a family that is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. When we understand that survival comes into play, we realise that it involves fight, flight or freeze and we are not functioning in our best possible state. The fact that co-dependency may be passed on from generation to generation highlights the fact that there is an opportunity to break this pattern of generational trauma by being consciously aware of and deliberately changing these behaviours.
These behaviours are not necessarily taught or spoken about but are rather learned by us as children living within a co-dependent environment. As children in this environment, we learn these survival behaviours very quickly by watching what others do, hearing what others say and feeling the energy in the room that shapes how we behave. We learn what behaviours act as signals for us to hide or be quiet and very skilfully, we learn to choose behaviours that will minimize the threat from different individuals in our environment, in order to survive. Research has shown that people who experience conflict between or among their parents as children, are more likely to display co-dependent behaviours as adults.
Co-dependency is stressful learned behaviour that is associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and or sees individuals attempting to take responsibility for or control the thoughts, feelings or behaviours of other people. Co-dependency is motivated by one’s need for safety, acceptance and self-worth. So, if we look at the fact that there is an unhealthy focus on the needs of others, it very much centres around taking care of other people and only experiencing their needs and wants, at the expense of myself. I overextend the sense of responsibility I have for the people around me and my loved ones. This can be between partners, with parents or children, siblings or even in friendships. My overextended sense of responsibility results in me trying to control the thoughts, feelings and or behaviours of the people in my life.
For instance, if someone is in a bad mood not only will I feel responsible for creating but also for repairing it too. By this definition, co-dependent behaviour is motivated by the need for safety, acceptance and self-worth. With this in mind, it sheds light on the reason why there is this underlying compulsion to always want to be doing something. If my safety, acceptance and self-worth within a relationship dynamic or within a family is only dependent on what I do, then I am constantly vulnerable to being judged solely upon my behaviour. When we start unpacking these definitions, we very quickly and clearly begin to see the incredible vulnerability that is felt and the fear that dominates co-dependent relationships.
Is Co-dependency Treatable?
When I speak to my clients about their idea of co-dependency, there is very often a sense of relief they feel that they are not alone. They are relieved to know that there is something that they can do that can help them, a plan, program and support and suddenly the way that they have been feeling starts to make sense. I really encourage individuals who can relate and identify with co-dependency, to get support because it can drastically help change these unhealthy dynamics that dominate relationships. There is the other extreme where sometimes individuals feel incredibly angry because they now feel as though something is “wrong” with them. People are confronted with the fact that it may not just be the other person in the relationship, with unhealthy behaviours and that they too in fact might have contributed to the relationship dynamic.
What I can conclusively say that until people who are co-dependent learn to focus on themselves, it will continue to be a repeated cycle. Those who resonate with co-dependency and look introspectively can sometimes clearly identify how this is not something only specific to their current relationship. They realise how throughout their lives they have always had that one special friend that preoccupies them and takes up so much of their time and energy. They realise that as long as they had a relationship like that in their life, at any point, they felt fine and acknowledge how they tend to replace one of these relationships immediately with another. Co-dependent behaviours tend to repeat, unless they are deliberately changed.
What are common behaviours associated with co-dependency?
Some common co-dependent behaviours include:
Constantly taking care of others/helping others
Burnout
Resentment
Neglecting one’s own needs and desires
Feelings of relationships being unbalanced
Feelings of being incongruent
Feelings of loneliness and despair
Struggling to ask for and also accept help
Imposing help onto others
Feelings of jealousy and control dynamics
Feelings of fear
Hypervigilance
There are numerous other signs and examples of co-dependent relationships. Some behaviours that I often hear about when speaking to clients who experience co-dependency is that it involves them constantly taking care of other people, with many people filling the role of those needing to be taken care of. People tend to neglect themselves and very often my clients will speak about burnout, where they carry incredible resentments for this overwhelming feeling of their relationships being unbalanced. They often feel as though they are doing everything, while other people in their lives are doing nothing. They feel as though nobody cares about them or even asks them how they are. People often feel incongruent, as though the way that they show up on the outside and what the rest of the world sees or knows about them, is very different to the way they actually feel. Often this brings up overwhelming feelings of loneliness and despair and leaves them feeling incredibly discouraged; however, to their friends, loved ones and the rest of the world they present a façade that makes them appear okay.
There are a lot of double standards in co-dependent relationships. There are a lot of control dynamics that come into play, as well as incredible amounts of jealousy in the space of the relationship. Co-dependent people struggle to ask for help and struggle just as much to accept help. A simple example is someone who arrives home with a boot full of groceries and a neighbour that they know stops them, says hi and offers to help them with their groceries. The individual refuses, despite very clearly needing the help and tells the neighbour not to worry about it. Co-dependent people are always the ones offering help to others and very often they overstep boundaries and impose their help on others but are incapable of asking for and accepting help themselves. This speaks to the individual’s need to be needed in a co-dependent space which is driven by fear. Fear that if they do not do what the other person needs done; they will be replaced by someone who will.
Co-dependent individuals face an overwhelming pressure to people-please where they feel as though they do not have the option to say no to the other in the relationship. They also display a great deal of hypervigilance, fearing that bad things will happen if they are not there and that they will not be loved if they say no to the other person. This stems from the fact that they see their love as conditional. They believe that the love in the relationship is based only on behaviour and unfortunately, within a co-dependent environment this can be reflected and reinforced when they are punished or treated negatively when they start to set boundaries.
What’s Next?
Co-dependency is a behavioural addiction and needs to be treated as such. It is a very misunderstood term and as a result, there are many misconceptions surrounding co-dependency. Co-dependent relationships have some key defining characteristics and unpacking these can help individuals identify co-dependency within their own lives. If you resonate with the information in this article or know someone who does, please read part 2 of this co-dependency which unpacks these key characteristics and unravels some misconceptions surrounding co-dependency. If this resonates with you please reach out for help, counselling can make a significant impact to the quality of your life and you deserve to have a happy life.
Take care of you,
Toni
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